My book club goes on two retreats a year together. Just somewhere close for two nights. We laugh, we cry, we eat, we shop...and we discuss books, of course. The last several times we've gone, we've picked a "self-help" book which has brought many emotional and deep discussions. There is something very powerful and healing about women who know and trust and love each other opening up and sharing personal struggles, seeking for validation and support. The kindness and compassion these women have shown to me and to the other members of our group is monumental. I have personally been carried and lifted up by these amazing women and I will be forever grateful that they have become my dearest friends.
I was immediately drawn to this book because of it's title and sub-title: SELF-COMPASSION; STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP AND LEAVE INSECURITY BEHIND. (I typed it all in caps because I literally felt like the book was yelling at me!) I am the queen of "beating myself up". My husband once told me, "if you treated your friends the way you treat yourself, you'd have no friends." Ouch! That one stung a little, but alas, it's true. So, of course I was anxious to read this book and learn to be nicer to myself.
One thing that I really liked and that stood out is her comparison of "self-esteem" and "self-compassion". Here is a quote from the book:
"Although thousands of articles had been written on the importance of self-esteem, researchers were now starting to point out all the traps that people can fall into when they try to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem: narcissism, self-absorption, self-righteous anger, prejudice, discrimination, and so on. I realized that self-compassion was the perfect alternative to the relentless pursuit of self-esteem. Why? Because it offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or as better than others. In other words, self-compassion provides the same benefits as high self-esteem without its drawbacks.
One of the principles she talks about that hit me the hardest was living in the moment, really feeling what's going on right then. I have a really hard time with this usually. I am usually filled with worry about things that usually I can't even control that may or may not happen in the future. This was a good reminder to me to just be in the moment. Here's another good quote:
"Our emotional suffering is caused by our desire for things to be other than they are. The more we resist the fact of what is happening right bow, the more we suffer. pain is like a gaseous substance. If you allow it to just be there, freely, it will eventually dissipate on its own. If you fight and resist the pain, however, walling it into a confined space the pressure will grow and grow until there is an explosion. Resisting pain truly is banging your head against the wall of reality. When you fight against the fact that pain is arising in your conscious experience you are piling on feelings of anger, frustration, and stress on top of the pain. This only exacerbates your suffering. Once something has occurred in reality, there is nothing you can do to change that reality in the present moment. This is how things are. You can choose to accept this facet or not, but reality will remain the same either way."
I had a few slight problems with this book. First, there were times that it felt more like a memoir than a self-help book. I would have rather her shared her personal experiences raising an autistic child in another book-a memoir or an auto-biography. (I actually think that there is a book that either she or her husband has written about this...but I'm not sure). Not that I didn't appreciate what she was going through as a mother, and especially the mother of a "special needs child", but it just didn't seem to fit the format of her book. Also, I thought that towards the end, the book got too repetitive and redundant. I thought that she could have condensed this book by 50-100 pages and still I would have gotten what I needed from it. Also, I did not like the chapter on sex and her view points on the subject of self-compassion relating to sex. (She seemed to take a very liberal "whatever makes you happy" kind of a view).
I have read better books on this subject-Brene Brown's books are life-changing!-but I was really glad that I read this book and would recommend it if you struggle with beating your self up like I do.
Stars: 3.75
Prude Police: I think I remember minor language, but nothing horrible
